Something Else...

I don't easily trust people. The reason being is I'm afraid of being hurt again. I have let people in in the past and it has ended up just being more pain than it was worth. So to me,for now, if I don't let my walls down no one can touch me. I don't have to worry about my heart being broken or my feelings being hurt. I guess I should tell my story to the world for the first time. When I moved to Florida I made a friend. She was my best friend. My absolute best friend. We did everything together and knew everything about each other. I let her in and she became more of a sister than I have ever known. 5 years later she met a boy and their relationship was toxic. They fought all the time but the were "so in love." Well the day came when she and I parted ways. I was crushed and I felt so betrayed. This was someone who knew everything about me,good and bad, but still loved and accepted me for what I was. I didn't know what to do. This was one of the darkest times in my life. So I thought. I found comfort in her ex. I know the girl-world law but she and I weren't friends anymore and he and I were both suffering. One thing turned to another and soon I had found a new best friend. And so had he. I was crazy in love with this boy. It couldn't get any more perfect. We spent every waking moment together and when we had to work we never stopped texting. I couldn't get enough and I thought to myself "this is it. He is the one." I seriously have never felt before what I felt for that boy. Nor have I felt it since. I dropped all my walls and guards and he was under my skin. He was in my head. I was sincerely in love. I had my sign and I knew he was the one. Then one day it just stopped. I found out that he had been going behind my back and talking to the ex. I thought she had disappeared but I couldn't have been more wrong. They had started talking again and before I even knew anything was wrong, he was gone. I felt about 2 inches tall and like I had been punched in the gut. I don't even have the right words for how I felt. It can never be put into words. But that day I swore to myself that I would never ever let that happen again. I know it will sound so stupid but I went into depression and I lost a bunch of weight. I went to work and came home. That was it. Nothing else. I couldn't figure out how to live with out the two most important people in my life. So I put a lock on my heart. I couldn't see letting myself go like that again. My one shot at love had just walked out my front door. I know you all think this story has a happy ending but it doesn't. It has been almost 2 years since this happened and I can still smell his cologne and I think about him every time I walk into a Pac-Sun. Which I have learnt not to do. I still have dreams about things she and I did. And when I see a blue Mustang I have to look away. I haven't let go of all the anger and I'm scared that if I trust anyone the way I trusted them that it will end the same way. So I don't. I don't trust anyone and I don't let anyone in. I see no reason in putting myself into possible pain. I don't think I could go through all that again. I have the hardest time with relationships because I feel myself wanting to let go and it all comes flooding back and I immediately trow up a huge wall that is impossible to get over. And I'm not trying to pull a pity card here. I just want people who say I'm cold to know what has caused it. I may seem cold, hard, unemotional and sad but that is my defense. It is how I protect myself. In actuality, I come off that way because I'm on the fence about trusting you. I know I can and I know you are not going to hurt me it's just very hard for me to let go. So please don't give up on me. I'm different from every person on this planet. But I'm the best me there is. Or is ever going to be. I'm sorry I seem like a pain in the butt 97% of the time but again just a defense for me. I'm just a slow burner and it takes me a lot of time to be warm. But when I am, you will know it. I love you more than I can say.